Original date: May 2, 2018
In practice this rainy, grey skied morning, I dropped into the guidance of my teacher, Sofia Diaz, as she led us through the most profound practice I’ve had to date. Where for the first time I actually FELT behind my heart and the spark it ignited in my spine. The absolutely beautiful and perfect unweaving of knots/nots. When complete certainty of motive and dedication to practice are present. And the experience is one of total FEELING.
There is a stark difference between feeling and doing, and the more we open and completely presence ourselves to feeling, the more we unravel what keeps us closed, contracted, unavailable to LIFE, to being in total Heart Consciousness.
Sofia has us often place our namaste in front of our hearts, positioning the gesture in front of the most tender place. Finding that place with total attention not directed by conceptually doing, but by actual feeling. Today, for the first time, I felt the tenderness just above my xiphoid process. I hadn’t before felt anything and would always (as Sofia would instruct) “fake it till you make it”. Now, noting this tenderness and presencing myself to this feeling, we continued on with practice, opening the front and back of the heart area.
Slowly—for in practice we MUST slow down to truly listen, feel, open, connect, expand, dissolve boundaries—the inner landscape began to widen and brighten to reveal what was there. My mother’s unexpressed grief over the sudden and violet death of my dad when I was 13 years old spilled in like a wave onto shore, and then my dad’s heart came in like the sun opening from behind a cloud. It took me by a mixture of wonder, surprise, and also an awareness of subtle resistance to staying in it, in the FEELING of it, out of the head space that tries to make neat, tidy, organized sense of everything. I continued to feel, through the intensity of the pose we were in, trusting the process, continuing to say YES. Unfolding within my heart consciousness was the release of my mother’s heartache and the entrance my father’s heartshine. All FELT sensationally in my body, mind story utterly quiet and witnessing.
We came into camel pose. Hands on sacrum, elbows pinching together, heart lifting, throat open. The intensity strong, the YES loud, the softness coming through.
Then straightening out of the backbend, we released our arms out to a T from the heart, palms forward. And that’s where there was a pop in the area of tenderness in front of my xiphoid process. And the flow began. Emotional release expressed by the wateriness of love through my chest, arms (my main area of tension), throat, face, eyes, tear ducts.
Tension in the arms is directly connected to closure of the heart. Tension in the throat from the bottom of the skull to the base of the neck is related to unexpressed truth.
An embrace of unexpressed grief (both mine and not mine) and total LOVE-LIGHT orbed around me and through me, growing out and out and out.
We rounded ourselves into child’s pose, and this is where I FELT for the first time the spark of my spine behind my heart. I can still feel the charge.
The feeling of Light is Love. That’s what my teacher says.
There is so much more I wish to express, "to feel complete", but I consciously choose to not fill in the holes.
I am house/dog sitting for a friend now and when I arrived back from practice this morning, Percie greeted me with a toy of his, the photo I’ve attached.
The only way out is in.