When practice is emotional
Practice this morning was totally, completely EMOTIONAL. Consumed with Anger. Disgust. Yuck. Ilk. Contraction. I wanted out at one point, which I don’t think I’ve ever experienced before. To physically remove myself from the room.
But before I proceed, some back story:
A few weeks ago I got triggered by a student (not the bad guy) who had expressed his attraction towards me (I not in return) and then proceeded (as I experienced it) to pursue me in subtle ways. In an attempt to maintain friendship and build sangha I ignored the discomfort, hoping it would go away. However, the subtle was there. Suddenly, one morning heading into class I couldn’t contain it anymore. It came in like a wave surging over a levee or a fire ripping through a room. Anger consumed my posture, breath, face. I could barely make eye contact. With any men.
I soon expressed my discomfort and we had a very mature and loving talk about it. I thought I would relax from that point on, but it hasn’t been so easy.
Which brings me to this morning.
At the beginning of class Sofia instructed us to either dedicate our practice to the ceremonious offering of our Love or to locate what needed to open within us and work with giving that away. The former felt more alive for me, so I went with that (while aware that something needed opening). Soon into practice it became utterly clear that I had chosen wrong.
Sofia often says, it’s better to pick something and be wrong about it than to be really vague and not pick anything.
As we began to move I was able to drop into a devotional state, but couldn’t ignore the presence of the student I was triggered by whose mat was right next to mine. Everything about him ignited me. I watched as my mind tried to deprive the growing flame of air only to be flushed with it three-fold.
Then that dang chair pose set me off. Anger encapsulated my body with contraction. I couldn’t find my spine. My shins screamed. I literally couldn’t press my palms together in high namaste. Sofia came over at one point and sandwiched them together, but as soon as she let go I boinged them out.
As she held us in cobra, a pose I have come to love, flames roared from my nostrils, ears, and upward gazing eyes, forearms screaming. I tried to press my heart forward, but my front body was so closed. My awareness witnessed the whole scene, watching as I gave up, dropping fully out of the pose. Lowering my chest, my head. Defeated. Every pose after half-assed and charred.
The mark I was missing was around choice. The person beside me hadn't actually done anything wrong. I was creating the anger. Anger suppressed, held in chair and cobra. Two fierce heart opening poses.
Towards the end of class as I slopped around in a Goddess-like pose, I consciously brought a person I love deeply to the forefront of my awareness and an image of him holding me in his arms with care arose. Then we released into Tadasana and I kid you not, the next thing Sofia did was have us bring our awareness to the place in our body that felt really good. Don’t search, FEEL.
It was my heart.
A magnificent feeling. Radiating. Like tower signals. I couldn't believe it and yet, of course. Of course.
She then said, you don’t have to try to fix what is causing you a negative emotion. All you have to do is relax into the comfort of knowing that help is right here. You are not alone.